


Men in Smart Suits

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Series: The Queen of Helheim and the Secret Agent [3]
Category: Avengers movie - fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Men in Black (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Agent Coulson had to inherit the awesome from somewhere, Agent J is like the really annoying cousin you never had, Crack, Crossover, F/M, Family, Hel!Darcy, Humour, Norse Mythology - Freeform, all the Coulsons are secret agents, idek, it's all fandom's fault, what is this i do not even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-13
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-12 01:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has one of those awkward family phone calls with his Dad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _*facepalm* What is this? What is this? What is up with my brain? Anyway, don't take this too seriously, guys - it's basically 100% crack._
> 
> _This is set at some point in the indefinite future, in the same universe as_ Helheim Is Nice This Time of Year. _There will probably be more fic that takes place chronologically before this one, but for now, you get this. I apologise. The fandom ate my brain. ___
> 
> _Based on[this](http://sherlockandtheholmeboys.tumblr.com/post/48842027968/authormichals-manueluv-and-i-are-convinced) and [this](http://sherlockandtheholmeboys.tumblr.com/post/48841847388/random-nexus-tygermama-authormichals-if) gifset._

For the first twenty-six years of his life, Phillip Coulson didn’t have a father.

It wasn’t just that his father wasn’t around; Phil literally had no one he could claim as his progenitor, not even a name or a face in a photograph. His mother simply woke up one morning to find that five years had gone by, five years she remembered nothing of, and that at some point in that five-year gap in her memory she’d gotten herself pregnant.

Phil’s birth certificate simply listed his father as ‘unknown.’ It was singularly inadequate.

The only possible clue he and his mother had to the identity of his father were the cheques that arrived in the mail like clockwork every month, and the presents that were sent on birthdays and at Christmas.

Each present was always carefully chosen, based on Phil’s current interests – toy bows and arrows and pretend ray-guns when he was younger, adventure novels, that kind of thing, which as he grew older became Captain America memorabilia and swing records – and wrapped with the maximum efficiency possible.

It was evidence that while Phil didn’t have a father as far as anyone knew, _someone_ was still watching over him pretty closely. Growing up, he was never sure whether to feel sad or angry or pleased that that was the case. Sometimes he was all three.

At graduation Phil applied to college and sat all the scholarship exams. It was a long shot and he wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get a scholarship. What was surprising, though – although maybe it shouldn’t have been – was the cheque that arrived a couple of days after Phil failed to get any scholarships. It was enough to cover the full cost of enrolling at college for the entire length of the degree Phil wanted to obtain. All his other costs he’d have to work to pay for himself, but his mysterious benefactor/possible father had made it possible to Phil to do something better with his life than just the same sort of dead-end jobs everyone else in his hometown did. For that, Phil couldn’t help but be grateful.

After college Phil went on to do a variety of interesting things and eventually ended up working for SHIELD. In all that time the presents continued to arrive on birthdays and Christmas no matter where Phil was stationed, just like they had when Phil was a kid.

He doubted he’d ever find out who they were from, but by now he’d made his peace with that. It was nice just to receive them and know that someone out there, somewhere, cared enough to send them.

Then, at twenty-six years old Phil found himself assisting with an inter-agency mission, working alongside a couple of guys who made even SHIELD look like a bunch of amateurs: they wore black suits and black shades, left no trail behind them, and had no names or identities of any kind. According to rumour they didn’t even have _fingerprints_ , and anyone who saw them in the wrong place or the wrong time walked away without any memory of it. They were like ghosts, moving through the world without ever really being seen.

After the mission was over, disaster averted, Phil was about to leave with the other junior agents when the younger (compared to the senior agent, anyway) of the two super-agents had turned to him with a kind of hopeful hesitancy and said, 

“I don’t know about you, but I could eat. How do you feel about getting some pie? There’s a place down on the corner.”

That was how Phil finally met his father, the enigmatic man with no name who worked for the organisation that didn’t exist, who certainly didn’t have any family or loved ones out there that could be tracked or used against him.

Phil and his Dad had kept in touch. It wasn’t exactly in the rules, but given the agencies that the two of them belonged to, their respective superiors turned a blind eye. 

It had been a while since the two of them had talked.

Phil dialled.

There was a click as the phone was answered.

“Hi, Dad,” Phil greeted him.

“Phil. What’s up?” His Dad sounded fairly relaxed. Nothing too important going on at the moment, then.

“Just checking in,” Phil replied. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“No, no, it’s all good. Today’s a slow day,” his father responded. “The most exciting thing that’s happened so far was when the worms blew up the coffee machine. J’s got a rookie down there cleaning up the godawful mess it made. One of the engineers from the shuttle repair bay’s trying to see if he can put the thing back together or if we need to shell out for a new one.”

Considering their budget, Phil doubted it would be much of a problem.

“How’s your mother?” K asked, after a moment. 

This was a traditional question. K always asked it. Phil didn’t know exactly what had happened between his parents, but he could read between the lines well enough. It made him sorry that circumstances had turned out the way they did. That was the business they were in, though. The regulations were sometimes harsh.

“She’s fine,” said Phil. “She tells me she’s joined a ballroom dancing club, catches the bus over there. Apparently she’s got her eye on someone. She says he still has a full head of hair, which is an attractive quality in a man when you get to their age.”

Phil’s father chuckled reminiscently.

“Yeah, sounds like her.”

There was an awkward pause in the conversation.

“So,” Phil’s Dad asked. “Meet any nice girls lately?”

Phil glared at nothing in particular.

“Dad.”

“Well, you’re not getting any younger, you might want to start thinking of settling down, that’s all. Man your age, it’s nice to have a family to come home to. Now, I know the job keeps you busy–”

Phil sighed.

“Fine. There’s a girl,” he interrupted. “Her name’s Darcy, and she’s an alien.”

There was a thoughtful pause on the other end.

“Huh. Never took you for the type,” was the reply. “Still, it doesn’t matter to me whether you’re dating a human woman or a Tetrazoid, as long as you’re happy. And I get grandkids. I’d steer clear of the Clathrips, though – their mating habits are _not_ pleasant, take it from me. _Nasty._ ”

Phil closed his eyes in exasperation.

“Dad–”

“ _Yo, K!_ ” yelled a voice in the background. “ _You talking to Mini-K?_ ”

Phil let himself groan, Agent J, while an exceptional MIB agent, reminded him distinctly of Barton, cheeky, irreverent, and possessed of an anti-authoritarian streak a mile wide. J also thought that it was hilarious that K had a son who had gone into much the same line of work as his father.

“Yo! Phil!” J chirped brightly in Phil’s ear. Apparently he’d grabbed K’s phone. “My man! How’s it hanging?”

“ _Seems he’s got himself a girlfriend,_ ” Phil heard his Dad say.

“Wow, good for you, man. She hot?”

Phil breathed deeply.

Oh, what the hell, it wasn’t like J wasn’t going to find out anyway. J was practically family, at this point. Like an annoying and somewhat-embarrassing cousin, maybe.

“She’s beautiful,” Phil allowed.

“Oh hey, that’s great. Um, congratulations. Um.” J paused. “I’m going to hand you back to your Dad now.”

A moment later Phil’s father was back on the phone.

“Hey. Sorry about that. You know how he is.”

“He’s like Clint Barton in a suit,” said Phil flatly.

“Yeah, he can be a pain in the ass, but he’s professional when he needs to be. Well, mostly.”

“ _Who’s a pain in the ass?_ ” Phil could hear J demanding. “ _K? K. Who’s a pain in the ass? Dude…_ ”

“When am I going to meet this girl?” K asked, ignoring his partner with ease.

Phil thought about it.

“When’s the next inter-agency meeting?”

There was a considering silence for several seconds.

“You know what, I think we’re due for one about now,” Phil’s Dad said finally.

Phil smiled.

“See you during a coffee break?”

“You can bet on it,” was the answer. “Take care of yourself, son.”

“You too,” Phil agreed.

The last thing he heard was J’s voice going “ _K? K! Stop ignoring me and talk to me, man!_ ” before his Dad hung up.


	2. Chapter 2

The day of the next SHIELD/MIB inter-agency meeting, Phil kept careful tabs on the movements and schedule of everyone involved.

When everyone wandered out of the conference room in search of lunch, Phil was already waiting, standing politely a short distance away from the door, holding a folder as though waiting to brief someone on something.

An older gentleman with a rather lived-in face strolled unhurriedly towards the break room, and Phil fell into step beside him.

“There’s a cafe a couple buildings down from here,” Phil remarked. “Does good coffee.”

“Sounds good to me,” Agent K agreed. “The one with the sign saying _Neutral Grounds_?”

Phil suppressed a smirk. That name never stopped being funny.

“That’s the one. It’s run by a former agent, actually.” Phil checked his watch. “Meet you there in ten?”

“Make it fifteen,” his Dad suggested.

“See you then.”

  


Fifteen minutes later Phil arrived with Darcy to find that his father had already claimed a table in the back corner. He stood to meet them as Phil and Darcy approached.

Darcy was hiding her nervousness well, but Phil knew her well enough to be familiar with each of her tells, and they were all present.

“Dad, this is my girlfriend, Darcy Lewis,” Phil introduced. “Darcy, meet Agent K.”

“Hi.” Darcy offered a little wave.

“I remember you,” Phil’s Dad said genially. He shook Darcy’s hand warmly. “You’re that nice young lady who resurrected my boy a few years back.”

“Um. Yes?” Visibly caught off-balance by K’s nonchalant attitude, Darcy looked to Phil for help.

“Dad’s with the MIB,” Phil explained to her quietly.

“Oh.” Darcy relaxed as it all made sense, and shook K’s hand with more confidence.

“Phil tells me you’re an alien?” Phil’s Dad asked, his smile friendly.

“Uh, yeah,” Darcy responded. “I was raised Asgardian, but it turns out I’m actually, like, three-quarters Jotun – my father found out he was adopted a few years back. Sent him kind of crazy, but you don’t need to hear about that, it’s a boring story, really.”

“I can’t wait to hear all about it,” Phil’s Dad said cheerfully, and Phil had to restrain the urge to laugh at Darcy’s nonplussed expression.

K just grinned at her, and patted her on the shoulder.

“You’re dating Phil here, which as far as I’m concerned makes you part of the family,” he said kindly, exuding paternal warmth.

Knowing Darcy’s personal history, Phil wasn’t surprised to see her smile back uncertainly, something fragile and hopeful brimming in her eyes.

“If you want to get out while you still can, I’ll understand,” Phil told her solemnly.

“Smartass,” his Dad grumbled, while Darcy laughed.

“So where’s your shadow?” Phil asked idly.

“J? He’s cleaning up a mess a few streets south of here. I expect he’ll show up soon enough. You know him, can’t keep his nose out of things that don’t concern him,” K observed dryly. Phil wasn’t fooled; he could read the fondness in his Dad’s expression. K was probably counting on J showing up so that everyone could be introduced properly.

“I’m going to order some coffee,” Phil said, instead of commenting, rising from his seat. “Both of you will have your usual?”

“Um, yeah, you know what I like,” Darcy agreed, looking faintly alarmed at the idea of being left alone with Phil’s Dad. Phil just smiled at her reassuringly.

“Same here, and a piece of the apple pie,” K added, so Phil went off to give the girl at the counter their orders.

When he came back, Darcy was hesitantly explaining about Loki and her family, and what had caused Loki to end up the way he did. Phil’s Dad was listening with an expression of intent, unassuming sympathy.

K no doubt knew some of the story already, of course – most of the information about Loki’s attack on Earth would have been gathered and analysed by MIB personnel for their own records – but it was unlikely he knew much about Loki’s life on Asgard or about Loki’s children. Phil couldn’t help but wonder what he thought about it.

The pie and their coffees were delivered while Darcy was recounting Loki’s return to Earth and the attack on New York, and there was a break in the conversation as everyone ate and drank.

“You know, this coffee tastes like dirt,” K began cheerfully, a smile lurking in his eyes as he met Darcy’s. Phil groaned, knowing what was coming next, although Darcy looked puzzled.

“ _Because it was ground this morning_ ,” another voice recited in perfect chorus with K, and Phil and Darcy looked around to see Agent J standing behind them, looking long-suffering at the awful pun.

“So this is where you boys got to,” he said to K and Phil amiably, pulling up a chair.

K regarded him with a tolerant but weary eye.

“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”

J put on a front of looking bewildered and affronted.

“What you talking about? What, I can’t support my partner at a family gathering? We bros, K. Your family is my family.”

“Well, true enough.” For a moment K’s eyes were full of tired affection, which was returned in the look J gave him. 

Phil’s brow furrowed as he wondered what that was about. He knew that K and J had been partners for a long time, but the shared emotion in their expressions spoke of something more than that.

“Which I figure,” J continued, lightening the mood, “makes me like, Phil’s uncle or brotherly substitute or something.”

“I’m sorry about that,” K told Phil.

“It’s fine,” Phil assured him. “I’d already relegated him to ‘annoying cousin’ status.”

J sent them both a look that said he didn’t appreciate that kind of attitude.

His gaze came to rest on Darcy, who was surveying him with interest and amusement, and he nudged K.

“Hey. This Junior’s girlfriend?”

“I’m older than you are,” Phil said, annoyed.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. _Mini-K_ ,” J corrected, making a big show of apology. Darcy gave a stifled laugh at the nickname.

“I don’t know why you put up with him,” Phil told his Dad. “I really don’t.”

“Come on, Phil, you love me really.” J gave him a bright grin.

“Well, he has his uses,” said K. “And you know, he’s kind of goofy, but he grows on you.”

“Thank you. I am going to take that a compliment, and ignore the fact that it makes me sound like some kind of fungus, or infectious disease or something.”

“That’s the spirit,” Darcy agreed, smirking. “I’m Darcy Lewis, by the way.”

“J.” J shook the hand Darcy held out to him. “I’m K’s partner.”

“Work partner,” Phil clarified, straight-faced, before Darcy could lift an eyebrow and say something suggestive, the implications of which would scar him for life, Phil knew.

“What – wait, you mean – _no_.” J looked flustered and slightly horrified, much to Phil’s amusement. “Hell no. Seriously, you really…? _No_. Not if he was the last damn person on Earth. We’re partnered as agents. _Agents_ ,” he enunciated clearly, with emphasis.  

Darcy was snickering at J’s discomposure. K’s face was deadpan, but his eyes were bright with humour, his expression a match for the blandly amused one Phil had fixed onto his own face.

J scowled at both of them.

“Stop smirking.”

“I’m not smirking,” Phil’s Dad said innocently. He was smirking.

J didn’t buy it for an instant.

“Yes you are,” he said indignantly, “you’re – _look_ at you! Both of you, you’re both smiling without moving your faces. I don’t even know how you do that, but stop it.” 

“Admit it, you’re pwned,” Darcy told him. She looked faintly smug.

J sent her a narrow look.

“I am no such thing, although I can see you’re going to fit into this weird-ass family just fine.” J shook his head a little, and glanced between Darcy and Phil with a look of genuine interest. “How’d you two meet, anyway?” 

Darcy pretended to glare at Phil, who merely smiled back.

“Some asshole _stole_ all my boss’s research, and _my iPod_.”

“You got it back eventually,” Phil said peacefully.

“Sounds like quite a story,” K commented.

Darcy grinned, and leaned back in her seat, preparing to launch into what would no doubt be a dramatic, biased, and highly entertaining version of the New Mexico Incident.

“Well, I guess it starts with how I got a job after graduation...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get the second chapter up! First of all, I was waiting to see MIB3 (I had to wait for the DVD release since I missed seeing it in cinemas) before I wrote chapter 2, so that took a while, and then I was trying to work out if I could make this chapter any longer, although I eventually gave up on that one.
> 
> Also, wasn't MIB3 awesome? It's definitely my favourite out of the three movies.
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter!


End file.
